my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
