So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
