Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
