i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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