yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
