i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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