My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
