Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
