my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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