I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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