So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
