I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
