just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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