I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
