Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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