Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
