He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
