sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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