I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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