dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize