Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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