In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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