i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
