I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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