At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
