I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize