I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Sober January is a disaster.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
