Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
