my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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