The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
