Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I think your dad took our porno
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Randomize
