i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
