i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
