Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
