I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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