i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
If I had your ass I would rule the world
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
