PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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