you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
