If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Randomize
