Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize