theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
