Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Boobs speak an international language.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
