I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
