Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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