All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
