Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
