You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
