I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
