By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize