So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
