Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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