Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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