i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
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