hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
